That Sunday morning I woke up to my 3.5 year old daughter kissing me on my cheek and saying 'I love you mummy'. That was like 7am in the morning. It was a beautiful way to wake up to, but I was still tired and wanted to sleep. So I told my daughter I love her too and told her that mummy still wanted to sleep. So she decided she would do some colouring with my MIL. In the process of colouring she came to me and kiss me again and told me that she wanted me to colour in her book after I woke up. I said 'ok!' and close my eyes again.
Then at 9am I decided that its time to wake up, so I got up and went straight to the toilet. She forgot that she wanted me to colour and so did I. So after showering and in the process of getting ready to go to church, she came into the room and said to me or more like scream at me. The conversation went like this:
Daughter: 'MOMMY!!!! YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO COLOUR FIRST BEFORE YOU DIUK!!!' (Diuk in Kelabit is Bath)
Me: Sorry dear, but mummy already mandi, let mummy get ready first to go to church then I will colour with you
Daughter (Screaming and crying): NO!!! YOU HAVE TO COLOUR FIRST BEFORE YOU DIUK!!!
Me: But I already mandi, there is nothing I can do already...
Daughter(Crying hysterically and screaming at the same time saying): NO!!! YOU HAVE TO COLOUR FIRST BEFORE YOU DIUK!!!
Me (Shouting): WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! IF YOU CONTINUE LIKE THIS, MOMMY LEAVE YOU AT HOME AH!!!!
Daughter (Crying and shouting): YOU SAID YOU WILL COLOUR FIRST!!!!
Me: AIYO!!!! SORRY LAH!!!! I COLOUR LATER!!! LET MUMMY GET READY FIRST!!!
Daughter: I WANT YOU TO COLOUR FIRST!!!
Me: SERA!!! YOU STOP THAT AH!!! MUMMY BEAT YOU AFTERWARDS AH!!!!
Daughter: I WANT YOU TO COLOUR FIRST BAHHHH!!!
So I surrendered and was super annoyed, so I went out to colour that paper that she wanted me to colour. While doing that I didn't even say a word to her. After I finished I went back into the room to get ready again. Of course my daughter came in as well with me. And the conversation continues:
Daughter: Mummy I want you to colour the other picture also...
Me (being very irritated with her): WAIT BAH!!! AFTERWARDS WE ALL WON'T BE ABLE TO GET TO CHURCH BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Daughter obviously started crying...
ME (getting more irritated by that time): STOP IT SERA!!!
Daughter (Crying): Mummy I kiss you this morning bah and say I love you, why you Bu'uh-bu'uh me... (Bu-uh in Kelabit means scold)
Wah! At that moment I felt like I was the most terrible mom in the history of moms!!! I immediately put down what I was doing and carried her and gave her a big hug and said I was sorry. My heart broke into tiny pieces!!! It was so heartbreaking!!! I couldn't believe I could have been so mean to her. I apologies to her and told her that I was in a bad mood that morning, and you know what she said:
Daughter: It's ok mummy, you bad mood...
And we both hug and said 'I love YOUs' and she gave me the hugest of smiles....and I gave her many many kisses...
Sigh....I sure as hell will never forget that day....the day my heart broke into small pieces...but with her smile and ok she glued it all back again....
The worst part to it was "It was a Sunday, a day where I shouldn't even have gotten angry with her' I had to ask God for his forgiveness for losing my temper that morning. But (yes, I'm trying to justify myself a little bit here :P) sometimes kids can be so unreasonable with their demands. Don't you think so???
Well, for one thing I'm sure of is that I can't live without her. She's my little angel and on that day, she made me realise that sometimes all you need is more patience and love. Both of which I'm struggling to have more of.
That's it from me aka the terrible mom :( ....ta!
